Team Seven's Hit List
by dazai-san
Summary: In which Team Seven make it back in time and generate a list of people they want to kill to fix the timeline. Those who overhear their conversation are simply disturbed by the content of their conversation. (Set during the Chuunin Exams.)


**Title:** Team Seven's Hit List

 **Summary:** In which Team Seven make it back in time and generate a list of people they want to kill to fix the timeline. Those who overhear their conversation are simply disturbed by the content of their conversation. (Set during the Chuunin Exams.)

~oOo~

"So, you guys made it back?" Naruto asks.

"I can't believe I have two arms again," Sasuke grumbles. His hair is covering one of his eyes.

Sakura sighs. "Naruto has two arms too, you don't see _him_ complaining, Sasuke."

Kakashi nearly crashes into a cart. "Dammit, I got used to having depth perception," he groans.

His team stares. "Yeah, I think he's the worst off," Sakura comments mildly.

"Don't mind me," Kakashi huffs. "I'll get used to it… somehow. What's our first plan of action, then?"

"We should make a list of all of the people we want to kill and/or beat up," Sakura suggests. Shikamaru, passing by, stops, turns, and stares at her.

"Sounds good," Naruto agrees, happily ignoring Shikamaru. "Sasuke, do you have a piece of paper and a pen?"

Kakashi procures a pen and Sasuke passes him a pad of paper. "How should we organize it?" Naruto asks.

"In order of how long we're going to take killing/beating them up," Sasuke says immediately. "I vote we put Danzo at the top at the list."

"Agreed," Sakura, Naruto, and Kakashi chime simultaneously. Poor Kakashi nearly crashes into a pole. Shikamaru trips over a stray crate of apples in shock; it's clear he's following them and recording what they're saying.

"Shouldn't we be quieter?" Sakura asks, bored. "I mean, we could be executed for saying that."

Sasuke snorts. "Sakura, if the Hokage set the entire ANBU on us, they wouldn't be able to take us out."

"He has a point," Naruto muses. "Now, I'd say Orochimaru's next on the list."

"Huh? What about Obito?" Sakura asks.

"I call dibs on Obito," Kakashi immediately cuts in, narrowly avoiding a cat running down the path. "I am going to beat him black and blue before pawning him off on Naruto for Therapy no Jutsu."

Asuma and Kurenai, heading towards them, hear Kakashi's last comment. "Um, I hate it to break it to you, Kakashi, but isn't Obito dead?" Asuma ventures.

Kakashi waves it off before nearly tripping over a barrel. "Nope, he isn't. I'm going to drag him back to Konoha and kick his ass from here to the moon he wants to put his eye in and back for listening to _Madara Uchiha._ Later. We have a hit list to write."

Asuma and Kurenai exchange looks. "The Hokage needs to know about this, doesn't he," Kurenai sighs. "Kakashi's cracked. Again." They shunshin away.

"I still say Orochimaru goes above Tobito or ObiTobi," Naruto says decisively. "Under that, you should put Madara."

"Hmm." Kakashi writes Orochimaru's name under Danzo's, and Madara's under that. "Done. I suppose Obito's next, or do you think Pain is?"

"I don't really care," Sasuke says, shrugging. "Danzo and Orochimaru are really the only ones I want to kill—wait! Put Deidara on that list. Under Madara's name."

Kakashi frowns, hissing when his hip collides with the sharp end of a table. "Deidara? That's a little harsh, don't you think?"

Naruto scowls. "Goddammit, Kakashi-sensei, do it! He's the one who captured Gaara!" He pauses. "Oh, hey Gaara!"

Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro give them odd looks. "What's this about Gaara being captured?" Temari asks.

"Nothing," Team Seven say simultaneously.

"Alright, fine," Kakashi sighs, ceding, and writing Deidara's name under Madara's. "What about Sasori?"

"Eh, put him lower on the list," Sakura says dismissively. "I mean, he's an asshole, but hey, he had a pretty bad past."

"What about Hidan?" Naruto offers. "And Kakuzu?"

"Oh, Hidan is so fucking dead," Kakashi hisses before writing his name next to Deidara's viciously.

"Calm down, Kakashi-sensei," Sakura sighs. "You're releasing killing intent."

"Oh. Oops. Sasuke, anyone to add?" Kakashi rubs his head ruefully when he nearly trips over the third alley cat.

"Hmm, Kabuto. He's at the Chuunin Exams, so I guess he'll be our first target. He should be under Kakuzu, but above Sasori, I suppose."

"No!" Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi snap at the same time. "The Edo Tensei is disgusting. I say he deserves higher than Deidara," Kakashi adds.

"Fine," Sasuke sighs. "What about Zetsu?"

"Unfortunately we can't take too long with him," Naruto laments. "He's too slippery. Let's just rank him high because we hate him that much."

Gai, Tenten, Neji, and Lee gape openly at them. "…what are you four doing?" Tenten asks, sounding like she really doesn't want to know.

"It's Neji!" Naruto shrieks before tackle hugging him and pulling away after a moment, grinning ear to ear. "By the way, we're making a list of people we want to murder or brutally beat up, going from the people we _really_ hate to the people we hate but not that much."

They edge away from them nervously. "O-o-okaaaay."

"My eternal rival! It is not youthful to be talking of killing people with your students! And since when have you been so… clumsy?"

Kakashi smiles cheerfully, before crashing right into Sasuke. "Revenge may not be healthy, but anything sweet rarely is. And I'm going blind, I guess?"

Team Seven continues on their merry way, leaving the other team gaping in shock. "So, we're like this. Danzo, Orochimaru, Madara, Zetsu, Kabuto, Deidara and Hidan, and Kakuzu. Where should we put Obito?"

"Since we're not really going to kill him, let's just put him under Kabuto," Sakura decides.

"What about Pain, or Nagato? Naruto's just going to Therapy no Jutsu him, right?" Sasuke inquires.

"Yep," Naruto says cheerfully. "Put him under Kakuzu for now, Sasori can be above him."

"Then Kisame can be under Sasori," Kakashi says.

Sasuke scowls. "No. Above. He was an utter asshole when I was part of the Akatsuki."

"I object!" Sakura snaps. "I demand that I get _one_ asshole to kick the shit out of."

Sasuke wilts. "…fine."

Ino and Choji stare at them, Ino pausing with one foot in the air, Choji with a chip halfway to his mouth, before shaking their heads and continuing along.

Kakashi taps the pen against his masked chin. "Anyone else?"

Naruto thinks hard. "How about the Sound Four?"

"The who—oh, you mean Orochimaru's assistants?"

"They aren't bad people," Sasuke says defensively. "Give them a quick death."

"I think that's it," Sakura says.

Kakashi folds up the paper. "Now, we have a certain Kabuto to find, don't we? Who wants to hit him first?" he asks savagely.

His cute little students chime together, " _Me!_ "

Kiba raises an eyebrow at their perfect coordination. "What are they cheering about, anyway?" he mumbles to Shino.

"I don't know. Why? Because we don't have all of the details."

"I-is i-it j-just me, o-or d-do t-they s-sound _t-t-terrifying_?" Hinata stutters.

"It's not just you," Shikamaru murmurs, sounding shell shocked.

Shikamaru shudders before clicking off the recorder. He runs off, presumably to find the Hokage.

~oOo~

"So, care to explain why you were acting so… odd… yesterday?" the Sandaime asks casually.

Kakashi looks around in the room full of jounin, ANBU, and chuunin, not worried at all. Sitting at his back, Naruto gives a wide yawn while Sasuke fidgets slightly with annoyance. Sakura runs a hand through her cut-short hair.

"You want to tell him the truth?" Naruto asks.

"The truth would be lovely," the Sandaime deadpans.

"Eh, I don't care," Sakura murmurs.

"His face would be totally worth it," Sasuke says.

"We're actually from the future," Kakashi says with a straight face. He corrects himself. "We're from _a_ future. A future where Naruto's the Nanadaime Hokage, I was the Rokudaime Hokage, Tsunade-sama was the Godaime Hokage, and you're dead."

The other shinobi give each other looks. "This is it," he hears Asuma say. "Kakashi's cracked."

"Yeah, I most certainly have," Kakashi agrees cheerfully. "Then again, aren't all good shinobi cracked to some degree?"

Asuma contemplates that for a moment. "That's irrefutable logic."

He turns to the Sandaime. "Well, would you believe me if I told you that Danzo orchestrated the Uchiha Clan Massacre and a number of other events so that he could assume the mantle of Hokage? He did succeed when Tsunade was in a chakra overuse induced coma, but only for a week. Then she pawned the hat off to me."

Danzo, standing next to the Sandaime, turns to him with anger in his voice. "You dare accuse—"

"Oh shut up, you asshole," Sakura comments absently, twirling a piece of hair in her fingers with a bored look.

"You're at the top of our hit list, did you know?" Naruto says cheerfully.

"That means we're going to keep you alive for a _very, very long time,_ " Kakashi adds. "And we're going to enjoy it."

"How many genjutsu would be enough?" Sasuke asks.

"Dunno. How many can you make in a minute?"

"Four."

"Huh. Maybe for an hour straight, if you can keep it up that long."

Sasuke scoffs. "Who do you think I am? I could do it for a year without any breaks."

"We're going on tangents here," the Sandaime says sternly while some of the other shinobi look mildly disturbed by their conversation. "Give us the proof you have that you are from the future."

Sakura sighs before droning in her "mission voice": "ROOT hasn't been disbanded yet. Orochimaru is still doing illegal experiments as a missing nin, part of an S-Rank criminal organization called Akatsuki."

"Minato Namikaze and Kushina Uzumaki are my parents," Naruto continues. "My dad used a seal that would take him and part of Kurama into the Shinigami's stomach."

"You ordered the Uchiha Massacre because they were planning a coup," Sasuke adds. "But I'm not blaming you for that." He scowls. "It's _Danzo_ here's fault. Since the biju can only be controlled by a Sharingan, Danzo spread distrust amongst the ranks against the Uchiha so that they decided to throw a coup."

"Oh, and by the way, we're all Shadow Clones," Kakashi informs them cheerfully. "Our real selves are currently dragging Obito back home. They should be back anytime now."

Suddenly a group of five people enter the room, and the clone Sakura grins. "Speak of the devils and they shall appear." Then they disappear.

Obito is being carried over Kakashi's back, clearly unconscious. "So, do you believe us now?" Kakashi asks.

About ninety-five percent of the shinobi in the room fall into a dead faint.

"Huh," says Kakashi. "That was a _great_ reaction."

"Agreed," Naruto replies.

It turns out, Team Seven and Obito are the only ones who didn't pass out. Then again, Obito's already conked out, so he doesn't count.

"What do you say we go out for ramen?"

~oOo~

 **a/n:** I'm NOT SORRY.

I'm sorry for not updating OW&B though. But I've had so many plot bunnies it hurts.

I hope you enjoy, and please review~


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